Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
