I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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