Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
