Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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