Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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