I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
