If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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