I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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