the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
