Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
