i permit you to call me
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
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And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
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Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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