Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
19 Totally Clueless People That’ll Make You Say ‘Bless Your Heart’
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
30 Times Ryan Reynolds’ Replies Were The Funniest Thing On Twitter
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.