Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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