last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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