in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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