I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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