His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
