You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
