Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
