im having a threesome with these popsicles
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
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