I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
