Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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