Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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