I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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