He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
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I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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