I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
