One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
