i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Life is so much better after having sex.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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