I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
