and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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