I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
