I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I licked your asshole in confidence.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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