I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
