i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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