It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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