oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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