if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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