So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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