How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
