My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
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I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.