Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
