hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
