Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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