I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he fucked my hip out of place.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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