apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
