i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Be still, my beating vagina.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
