My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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