Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
