My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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