I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
cat food counts as protein by the way
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
