So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
