i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Randomize
