god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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